The Lord of Hogwarts
by MidnightandMoonlight
Summary: HP meets LOTR! Hehehe... This should be fun. 4 HP characters end up in the council of Elrond and join the Fellowship. Enjoy! Chapter 6 finally up!
1. The Council of Elrond

Harry Potter Meets LOTR. This should be fun.. Muahahahaha!  
  
Chapter 1: The Council of Elrond  
  
The council of Elrond was coming to a close. Only Gandalf didn't seem surprised when Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, and Draco Malfoy appeared in the center of the room. Harry looked around angrily, cursing and blaming Voldemort. Ron kept begging Harry not to say the dark lord's name. Hermione looked around, amazed at all she saw, but a bit upset about being pulled away from her homework. Draco was the most affected.  
  
Draco: What did you do to me? Where am I? Who are you people? When my father finds out-  
  
Hermione: Shut up, Malfoy.  
  
Draco: Don't tell me what to do, Mudblood! I'll tell my father-  
  
Harry: It's obvious! Voldemort did it!  
  
Ron: Don't say his name!  
  
It went on like this for quite a while, until Gandalf interrupted.  
  
Gandalf: So, our guests have arrived.  
  
Harry: (noticing he looks quite like Dumbledore, and appears most normal out of the whole group) Who are you, where are we, and why are we here?  
  
Gandalf: I am Gandalf the Gray wizard.  
  
Draco: At least someone here is normal.  
  
Gandalf: Ahem, as I was saying: You are in Middle-Earth, and as for why you are here. Well, you see, Sauron has teamed up with Voldemort-  
  
All: Who??  
  
Ron: Don't say his name!!  
  
Gandalf: They're both basically evil wizards. And they can't be defeated until you take the ring and destroy it in Mordor.  
  
Ron: Dangerous?  
  
Elrond: You bet!  
  
Harry: What ring?  
  
Frodo: The one ring of power, what else?  
  
Harry: Oooooooooooookkkkkkkkk..  
  
Gandalf: Will you do it?  
  
Harry: Yes  
  
Hermione and Ron: No  
  
Draco: Is there money involved?  
  
Gandalf holds a whispered conference with Elrond.  
  
Gandalf: We'll give you 100 pounds of gold if you return.  
  
Draco: Count me in!  
  
Ron: I changed my mind, I'll go!  
  
Hermione: No. I'll miss mid-term exams!  
  
Ron and Harry gawk at her, then recover and give each other high fives. The fellowship stares at her like she has three noses.  
  
Draco: (In between coughs) Cough! Cough! Showoff! Cough! Mudblood! Cough! . Sorry.  
  
Harry: Think about how much you'll learn!  
  
Hermione: You're right! I'll go!  
  
Gandalf: You'll be accompanied by myself-  
  
Draco: (sarcastically) Oh, joy.  
  
Gandalf pretends not to hear.  
  
Gandalf: Gimli the dwarf, Legolas the elf-  
  
Hermione: Those aren't elves and dwarfs!  
  
Legolas and Gimli jump to their feet, obviously offended.  
  
Legolas: That, lady, is where you are mistaken!  
  
Gimli: Not a dwarf indeed!  
  
Hermione: But I've read about them in books, and-  
  
Harry: Hermione? Shut. Up.  
  
Draco: Mudblood.  
  
Gandalf: AS I WAS SAYING, Boromir and Aragorn, normal human beings like yourself-  
  
Draco: Normal?  
  
Boromir and Aragorn glare at them. At this point, Gandalf is in quite a hurry to finish his speech.  
  
Gandalf: Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, the hobbits.  
  
Draco still manages to make a rude comment.  
  
Draco: Mary's a girl's name.  
  
Gimli: Thank you for the introduction, however rude it may have been, but who are the children?  
  
Harry: I'm Harry Potter, 5th year wizard at Hogwarts. I'm in the great Gryffindor house!  
  
Ron: I'm Ron Weasley, same as him.  
  
Hermione: I'm the only girl in the bunch, Hermione Granger-  
  
Legolas: (mockingly) You're a GIRL? You CAN'T be! I've read about girls!  
  
Gimli: (mockingly) It's IMPOSSIBLE!  
  
Draco: And I'm-  
  
Boromir: You are an imbecile.  
  
Ron: No, he's a great ugly git.  
  
Draco: I am Draco Malfoy, of the Slytherin house. I believe you are the imbeciles. And Granger's a Mudblood.  
  
Gimli: This boy is as spoiled as some elves.  
  
Legolas glares at him.  
  
Harry: So when do we leave?  
  
Elrond is quite annoyed at this point.  
  
Elrond: Now. Go. Just. Go. 


	2. Caradhras

Thank you to:  
  
TheAnonymousAgent506, I'm glad you liked it. I'm only a beginning author, so I hope it will only get better.  
  
Chibi Horsewoman, Yeah, I thought that this was a nice break from all the people who love Legolas (no offence to you who do).  
  
Ireth Lossehelin, Well, I updated! Thanks for reading it!  
  
Well, if you got this far, then the 1st chapter obviously held your attention, so thank YOU too! (And I apologize for all the lame jokes in this chapter. I couldn't think of much.)  
  
Chapter 2: Caradhras  
  
The Fellowship was on it's way. They had been traveling for several days now, but the mountains still seemed so far away. Legolas thought the children had been taking all the traveling quite well, but Draco. He had been complaining or insulting someone (mainly Hermione) the whole time. At this time, he was having an insult contest with Pippin, who was nearly as good as he was. The other hobbits and the Gryffindors listened with great interest.  
  
Draco: If you lived in an apartment, you'd only be able to ride the elevator half of the way up, cause you'd be too short to push the elevator buttons, shorty.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione groaned at such a lame joke. Pippin was not deeply injured by this, as he had no clue what an apartment, or an elevator was.  
  
Ron: Is that the best you could do, Malfoy?  
  
Draco: Shut up, muggle lover, I was in a hurry!  
  
He tried again.  
  
Draco: I went into your house and saw something that looked like a booger on the wall. I tried to wipe it off, but your mother stopped me and told me it was your baby picture.  
  
This did have some effect on Pippin, but he did not show it.  
  
Pippin: What a coincidence. I would've thought it was your picture!  
  
Draco: Don't make me hex you.  
  
Pippin: I think someone already hexed you.  
  
Draco: What?? Why?  
  
Pippin: I don't think it's natural to have hair as hard as a rock, or have such a revolting color.  
  
He said this very fast, so it was quite difficult for Malfoy to absorb most of this. But Pippin wasn't done.  
  
Draco: Wha-?  
  
Pippin: You don't get it, do you? Well, what did I expect from such a blonde?  
  
The onlookers smirked at Malfoy, who looked quite dumbstruck. Here he was, in a strange land, walking, all day, every day, trying to destroy some ring he knew nothing about, and a midget creature was besting him in insults.  
  
Hermione: What's wrong, Blondie? Not used to having your victims fight back?  
  
Draco: Shut up, Mudblood.  
  
Ron pointed at something dark in the sky.  
  
Ron: Hey, Aragorn? What is that?  
  
Aragorn: Hide, fools! They're Crebain!  
  
Hermione: No, they're clearly-  
  
The Fellowship is quite used to this by now.  
  
All: Hermione! Shut up!  
  
Harry: Who cares what they are? They're evil, right?  
  
Boromir: They are spies for Saruman!  
  
Harry: Who is.?  
  
Boromir: Evil.  
  
Harry: Ahh.  
  
The Crebain flies away after a few minutes.  
  
Hermione: I still say they were doxies that--  
  
She stops when she realizes that no one is listening to her senseless babbling.  
  
Many days later, they reach Caradhras. As expected, Draco isn't happy with the steep slopes.  
  
Draco: This is ridiculous! Why did I accept this? My father would be furious!  
  
All groan as he raves on about his father, who they have all heard quite enough of. Draco continues.  
  
Draco: It can't POSSIBLY get any worse!  
  
The snow starts falling, heavily and swiftly.  
  
Gimli: It just got worse.  
  
Gandalf: And it will keep getting worse if we don't find shelter! This is no ordinary storm, my friends. Saruman sent this!  
  
Minutes later, they are all huddled under a thin ledge which was the best "shelter" that they could find. It was freezing.  
  
Draco: H-h-hey, Beard-b-boy! Can you use y-your axe t-t-to make a hole in the side o-o-of the m-mountain so we aren't st-stuck out here?  
  
Frodo: That m-might be the f-f-first sensible idea y-you've ever had, Blondie.  
  
Legolas: You forget that I am blonde as well.  
  
Boromir: Well, you're u-u-useful with that bow a-and t-th-those arrows. I s- seriously doubt that this .child. is g-good for as much.  
  
Draco: (angrily) Rictusempra!  
  
Boromir was winded, and lost his breath (as well as his pride). Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, Sam, and Frodo simultaneously start yelling at Draco. Merry, Pippin, Harry, and Ron smirk as they look on. Meanwhile, Hermione had made a good-sized hole in the rock. All at once, the Fellowship noticed, and attempted to squeeze in. Quite conveniently, only twelve of the thirteen people fit.  
  
Aragorn: Who volunteers to sleep outside?  
  
We hear the sound of crickets chirping, but no answer from the Fellowship.  
  
Aragorn: We'll have to vote then.  
  
Harry, Hermione, Ron, Boromir, Gandalf and Pippin vote for Draco. Draco and Merry voted for Pippin (obviously, Merry thought it would be a grand joke if Pippin had to sleep outside). Legolas and Gimli voted for Hermione. The rest of the Fellowship (the ones without grudges) voted for Gandalf.  
  
Ron: (not sounding sorry at all) Oh, sorry, Malfoy.  
  
Hermione: Too bad.  
  
Draco: Mudblood and muggle lovers.  
  
Ron: Watch your mouth, Malfoy!  
  
At this point, Aragorn decides to step in before it gets any worse.  
  
Aragorn: The child would die if he were forced to sleep outside!  
  
Merry changed his vote to Draco.  
  
Gimli: Wouldn't any of us?  
  
Legolas: Elves are most likely powerful enough to survive such weather.  
  
Gimli: Did the valiant elf just volunteer?  
  
Legolas: Oh, no, I was just. uh. No.  
  
Gimli: You were simply listing another way in which elves are superior to dwarves.  
  
Legolas: (smugly) Yes, I believe I was.  
  
They start to argue on which species is better, and no one notices that Hermione has expanded the cave quite a bit.  
  
Hermione: Ahem!  
  
Gimli: (figuring she's trying to tell them what she's read about elves and dwarves.) We don't CARE what you read, girl! It's false!  
  
Hermione: Ahem!  
  
Legolas: (figuring the same thing) It's different in our world, Hermione!  
  
Draco: Mudblood.  
  
Hermione: AHEM!!  
  
All: WHAT??  
  
Hermione: (smugly) I just wanted to let you know that the cave is now large enough to hold twenty people, but if you don't care---  
  
The fellowship spreads out and marks their sleeping areas.  
  
Hermione: Well, if no one wants to thank me, than I believe that I have every right to use the cave all to myself.  
  
All: Thank you, Hermione!  
  
It's not my best, but I don't think it's my worst. I liked the 1st chapter more. Please Review! 


	3. Moria or Not?

I just realized: my other chapters don't have a disclaimer! (Fellowship gasps in background, and Hermione starts a long lecture about giving credit to authors.) All the LOTR characters belong to J.R.R. Tolkein. I do not, can not, and will not ever own them. HP characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Same note for them.  
  
Sorry for the long time between updates. I really have no excuse except for the fact that I haven't been writing.  
  
Thank you all for your kind reviews.  
  
Chapter 3: Moria or Not?  
  
They all woke up bright and early the next morning. Many complained (Legolas hadn't gotten his beauty sleep. What a shame.) and all were freezing cold. Hermione conjured a bit of fire, and they cooked a bit of breakfast. Sam cooked. Draco hated it, but no one else minded it.  
  
Gandalf: OK, let's go!  
  
All: Awwwww.  
  
Gandalf: Would you rather stay here?  
  
Several begin to rise, and others start to pack up.  
  
Gandalf: I'm sure it's warmer in Moria.  
  
Most sit again. Harry, Draco, Hermione, and Ron look confused. Gimli jumps to his feet.  
  
Gimli: Woo-Hoo!!  
  
Everyone looks at him like he is mad. He sits down, blushing.  
  
Boromir: I'm not going.  
  
Legolas: Nor me.  
  
Frodo: I don't really care.  
  
Draco: What are the chances that I'd get killed?  
  
Aragorn: Very good.  
  
Draco frowns, thinks, and speaks again.  
  
Draco: What are the chances that the Mudblood will die?  
  
Aragorn frowns in confusion, having forgotten what a Mudblood is.  
  
Draco: Hermione.  
  
Aragorn: Ah. Very good. There's a good chance we'll all die.  
  
Gimli: Let's go!  
  
Everyone stares at him again.  
  
Ron: You need help.  
  
Gimli: Would you be willing to go then?  
  
Ron: (muttering) That's not what I meant.  
  
Frodo: Let's vote.  
  
Merry: Remember how our last vote turned out?  
  
All groan.  
  
Harry: I remember. Hermione came up with a sensible solution.  
  
All turn and look at her.  
  
Hermione: I don't care! I don't even know what Moria is!  
  
Boromir: Scratch that idea.  
  
Aragorn: Frodo's the ringbearer. Let him pick.  
  
Frodo: I already said I didn't care. Let's keep moving and decide later.  
  
Draco: How about half of us go either way.  
  
Gandalf groans and looks at him.  
  
Gandalf: Let me guess: Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Hermione, and some others go into Moria?  
  
Draco: You're a genius, Gandalf.  
  
Ron: Wouldn't that ruin the entire point of the Fellowship? Isn't a Fellowship supposed to go together?  
  
Harry: Fat chance of that happening with Malfoy tagging along.  
  
Draco: I'm not tagging along, I'm getting paid for this, and good money too.  
  
Ron and Harry roll their eyes.  
  
Hermione: Elrond clearly said "If you survive." That's a very slim chance, Malfoy.  
  
Pippin: Since when do you care about him?  
  
Hermione: We're a Fellowship, like Ron said. We should at least try to get along.  
  
Some people snort in laughter.  
  
Gandalf: We're behind schedule, people. Let's go!  
  
They walk. And walk. And walk more. After a while, the question comes up.  
  
Hermione: So, Legolas?  
  
Legolas peers down at her, his eyes narrowed.  
  
Legolas: If you're simply going to berate me about some thing about me not being an elf-  
  
Hermione: No, no. Of course not. I was just wondering if you would want to-  
  
Harry and Ron burst out laughing, suddenly realizing what she is attempting.  
  
Harry: Give it up now, Hermione.  
  
Ron: She's hopeless, isn't she?  
  
Draco: That's what I've been trying to tell you for years.  
  
Harry: Only we're allowed to talk about her like that, Slytherin.  
  
Draco: You're not in charge, Gryffindor.  
  
Hermione: As I was saying, before we were so rudely interrupted, I was wondering if you would be interested in joining S.P.E.W.?  
  
Legolas, Gimli, and all others stare at her oddly. Harry and Ron seem like they are trying hard not to crack their ribs with laughter.  
  
Legolas: Explain.  
  
Hermione explains about S.P.E.W., while they keep walking.  
  
Hermione: And I think we'd be much more effective if we had an actual elf as a member.  
  
Legolas: If these so-called elves cannot take care of themselves, they are not worthy of the name elf.  
  
Hermione: Is that a no?  
  
Pippin: (sarcastically) No, Hermione. I clearly heard him say yes.  
  
Merry: I admit that the pretty-boy elf has a point.  
  
Legolas: I am not a "pretty-boy."  
  
Merry: Suuuuuurrrrrrrreee.  
  
Hermione: You two remind me of the Weasly twins.  
  
Merry and Pippin look confused, but don't bother to ask.  
  
Gandalf: We're almost there, but it's time to get some sleep.  
  
Draco: Yeah, it would be a shame if Legolas didn't get his beauty sleep. He's ugly enough as it is.  
  
Pippin: You are not one to talk.  
  
Legolas ignores Draco, but his face turns slightly red.  
  
The Fellowship settled down for the night.  
  
Ok, people. I need you guys to make a vital decision for me. Who's going with Frodo and Sam, Who's going with Merry and Pippin, and who's going with the remaining Fellowship? Two will have to go with one group. I don't mind whom. I know it's a bit early, but start voting, guys!  
  
Thank you all! 


	4. Moria

Most of this is by my new partner in crime --- er, writing: Larien Telemnar! *Stares around room angrily* Well, where are your manners? CLAP! *People clap* Very good.  
  
Well, here goes:  
  
Moria  
  
The Fellowship is almost to Moria, but in the meantime, they have to walk. What did you expect?  
  
Draco: Why can't we use brooms?  
  
Pippin: Since when do brooms fly, you psycho?  
  
Merry: Yeah!  
  
Hermione: Well, actually, since--  
  
Harry: (warningly) Hermione.  
  
Hermione: Sorry Harry.  
  
Ron: Good girl.  
  
Draco: Weasley's got a girlfriend, Weasley's got a girlfriend!  
  
Merry and Pippin join in: Weasley's got a girlfriend, Weasley's got a girlfriend!  
  
Ron: Shut up.  
  
Gandalf: All of you, be quiet!  
  
Several Wargs appear out of nowhere and start to attack.  
  
Wargs: GRRRRRRRRRRR!  
  
All: AHHHHHHHH!!  
  
Gandalf: See what you idiots did?  
  
Harry: Hermione, before you start, let me tell you: Those are NOT Sirius and Lupin!  
  
All: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!  
  
Draco: Look at you, you "big, strong, elf!" Do something!  
  
Legolas takes out his bow and shoots at Malfoy. He missed and hits a Warg, but smiles smugly.  
  
Gandalf casts a few spells and the Wargs go away. They look around and realize: They're at the entrance to Moria! Finally!  
  
Gimli: Woo-Hoo!  
  
They all stare at him again.  
  
Gandalf: You'll attract more wolves!  
  
Gimli: (sitting) Sorry.  
  
Gandalf: The writing says: "Speak friend and enter."  
  
Legolas: Gimli, what's the password?  
  
Gimli: How should I know?  
  
Boromir: Let's see now. (Pretends to think) Maybe because you're a DWARF!?  
  
Gimli: I forgot, Okay?  
  
Hermione: Legolas, what's elvish for "friend?"  
  
Legolas: I'm not telling YOU.  
  
A few seconds go by in silence.  
  
Legolas: (jumping up) Hermione, you're a GENIUS!  
  
Merry and Pippin: Pretty boy's got a girlfriend, pretty boy's got a girlfriend!  
  
Legolas fingers his bow.  
  
Aragorn: Remember what happened the last time you did that?  
  
Merry and Pippin hush.  
  
Legolas: Gandalf, the password's "Mellon."(I hope that's the right one. I don't really remember.)  
  
Aragorn: Hermione, how did you know?  
  
Hermione: It was a lot easier than that potion riddle in our first year or finding out about the basilisk in second year.  
  
Ron: You're the best, Hermione!  
  
Draco starts to open his mouth, but Boromir glares at him and he stops.  
  
Gandalf: So, are we going or not?  
  
Hermione: We should go together. As I said: We're a Fellowship!  
  
Sam: I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE POOR BILL!  
  
Gandalf: Sam. Let the pony go or you won't be able to go with Frodo.  
  
Sam says goodbye to the pony.  
  
Frodo: I say we should go.  
  
No one listens.  
  
Gandalf: Well, are we going or not?  
  
The rest of this is Larien's work. Enjoy!  
  
*Everyone Claps*  
  
The Fellowship of the Ring has made a vote that, after all, they are a fellowship so they will all go, despite how much complaining they have put up with from Malfoy.  
  
Malfoy: Oh, pretty boy elf is listening to the mudblood! It's a disgrace towards nature! Humans and elves can't get along, it's just totally wrong!  
  
Legolas is extremely offended and whips out his bow. Aragorn is making extremely rude signs towards Malfoy, and draws his sword.  
  
Legolas: Have I told you about my deadly accuracy?  
  
Malfoy: You probably couldn't hold a bow, freak!  
  
BONK!!!!  
  
Legolas let's the arrow fly, hits Malfoy on the hair, but his arrow bounces off, and the rest of the fellowship duck and groan.  
  
Pippin:(trying hard not to fall on the ground laughing) How can you be making fun of everybody else when you're the one who has hair that acts as armor? Helmet head, helmet head!  
  
Gandalf: (trying to keep Aragorn from ripping Malfoy apart -- Malfoy was taunting him about his elf girlfriend, Arwen) Let's keep going, shall we?  
  
Pippin, Merry, Frodo, Sam, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli immediately start a very quiet conversation, so that Gandalf and Malfoy can't hear them.  
  
Pippin: What's Moria like, Gimli?  
  
Gimli: Well, lots of bridges underground, but unfortunately, if you fall off, you die.  
  
Legolas, Pippin, Merry, Aragorn, Harry, Ron, and Hermione: (simultaneously) What if we "accidentally" knock somebody off?  
  
Gimli: Who do you have in mind?  
  
Legolas, Pippin, Merry, Aragorn, Harry, Ron, and Hermione: (simultaneously) Malfoy!  
  
Malfoy: I heard that! If my father knew that you were plotting against me he'd...  
  
Legolas pulls out his bow and Malfoy immediately shuts up.  
  
Legolas: The thought of many underground bridges that give me the opportunity to push and extremely annoying git off makes me like dwarves more.  
  
Gimli: We finally understand each other.  
  
Pippin: You know what's nice? Even though he makes fun of me for it, being short is sure coming in handy now!  
  
Harry: Because...  
  
Pippin: Since I'm so short, I don't have to be right by Malfoy's mouth and it's harder to hear him.  
  
Legolas: Same with being tall.  
  
Harry: Well, why don't you rub it in our faces. We just so happen to be the same height as Malfoy!  
  
BANG!!!  
  
Pippin knocks a skeleton down the well.  
  
Gandalf: (Pointing at Malfoy) Fool! Next time at least throw him in to get rid of one of our annoyances!  
  
Malfoy opens his mouth to make fun of pippin, but after hearing Gandalf, shuts it and makes extremely revolted faces. They start to run, after the Balrog comes chasing them. They then come to the bridge.  
  
Gandalf: You can't pass!  
  
Malfoy: Yeah, like that's going to stop-  
  
Legolas covers Malfoy's mouth. Gandalf falls deep into the dark abyss. The fellowship then makes it out of Moria.  
  
Legolas: You know what stinks?  
  
Harry: Malfoy?  
  
Legolas: The fact that there were all those bridges and with all the Balrog trouble, I forgot to knock Malfoy off of them!  
  
Hermione: Well, at least Aragorn's leading us now...  
  
Gimli: What good is that going to do for us?  
  
Hermione: He hates Malfoy as much as we do! We might not have to work with him much longer...  
  
Everybody but Malfoy: YAHOO!  
  
Hermione: Aragorn, can't you just get rid of Malfoy now?  
  
Aragorn: (sadly) If we get rid of him, he might let things slip to the enemy. I have no choice but to keep him.  
  
All but Malfoy: GROAN!  
  
Aragorn: We'll figure it out when we get to Lothlorien.  
  
Legolas: Ha Gimli! I had to go through your (no offense) stinking home! Now you get to go through one of mine!  
  
They set out for Lothlorien, hoping now more than ever to get rid of Malfoy (and of course, the ring, because then the quest will end and they won't be stuck with Malfoy any more).  
  
Well, Like it? My last question still stands: Who is going with who? Another Question: Romance, anyone? Or No? Review, Y'all! 


	5. Lothlorien

Chapter 5:Lothlorien  
  
Larien is in this one too! Yay for Larien!  
  
*People clap*  
  
Everyone, even Malfoy, is quite distressed over Gandalf's "death."  
  
Sam: We are going to DIE!  
  
Malfoy: And then I won't get PAID!  
  
Aragorn: We're not going to die.  
  
Merry, Pippin, Sam, Malfoy, and Ron: YES WE ARE!  
  
Hermione: Don't be so negative.  
  
Malfoy: Did you read somewhere that we're going to live?  
  
Harry: Let's just drop that, OK?  
  
Boromir: Let's just keep walking.  
  
All: Oh, joy.  
  
Later, they stop and make camp.  
  
Harry: Aragorn, can you teach me how to use a sword? I don't think my wand will be good enough if we have to fight a Balrog or something like it.  
  
Aragorn: A sword won't help you against a Balrog either, but what the heck? Sure!  
  
Hermione: (very, very politely) Legolas, can you teach me how to-  
  
Legolas: No.  
  
Ron: (not nearly as politely) Legolas, can you teach me how to shoot with a bow?  
  
Legolas: Sure.  
  
Hermione glares at Legolas, and walks over to Boromir.  
  
Hermione: Boromir, can you teach me how to use a sword?  
  
Boromir: Sure.  
  
Malfoy: Can someone show me how to use a weapon?  
  
Gimli starts to volunteer, (he has nothing else to do, and probably wants to prove he's nicer than an elf) but Aragorn cuts him off.  
  
Aragorn: I think we'd all be safer if he didn't know how to use a weapon.  
  
Boromir: (still embarrassed from the Rictusempra curse) I second that!  
  
They all practice for a while, or sit and watch.  
  
Frodo: I'm bored.  
  
Merry: Do something useful. Like cook. Cooking is good. Is it dinnertime?  
  
Sam: Cook with what?  
  
Pippin: There's nothing left.  
  
Frodo: (looking in bags) Don't be silly, theirs plenty left, you just won't be able to eat eight meals a day. Maybe just two or three.  
  
Pippin: Only two meals a day?  
  
Merry: We are...  
  
Pippin: Going to...  
  
Merry: STARVE!!!  
  
Sam: Death by starvation. I shudder at the thought!  
  
Just to prove his point, he shudders.  
  
Malfoy: (in quite a bad mood) You big babies. It's no wonder you're so fat.  
  
Pippin: Not fat. Well rounded-  
  
Merry: And quite healthy.  
  
Malfoy: I say you're fat.  
  
Pippin throws a mushroom at Malfoy.  
  
Sam and Merry: NOT THE FOOD!!  
  
Malfoy: Rictusempra!  
  
Pippin is winded. Boromir winces.  
  
Hermione: Expelliarmus!  
  
Malfoy's wand flies out of his hand and into her's. She hands the wand to Aragorn.  
  
Aragorn: I'll be keeping this for a while.  
  
Boromir and Pippin: Good idea!  
  
Malfoy, still in a bad mood, jumps on Pippin and they start beating each other up.  
  
Legolas: (pulling them apart) Ok, kids, break it up!  
  
Aragorn: (helping Legolas) Stop fighting or you won't have dinner tomorrow!  
  
Pippin immediately steps away from Malfoy, horrified that Aragorn would threaten anything like that.  
  
Pippin: You wouldn't DARE!  
  
Aragorn: Wanna bet?  
  
They all settle down to sleep. The next morning, they walk more (what a surprise) and see Lothlorien in the distance.  
  
Legolas: (jumping up) WooHoo!  
  
Gimli: SEE! I'm NOT the only crazy one!  
  
Legolas: (too happy to speak) Not...Crazy...Just...Happy...  
  
All (except Aragorn, who believes he should set a better example): Crazy.  
  
They finally reach the woods, and find themselves surrounded by elves. Malfoy opens his mouth to say something insulting. Legolas notices.  
  
Legolas: You are an idiot.  
  
Random Elf 1: Are you talking to me?  
  
Random Elf 2: You better not be talking to me.  
  
Random Elf 3: If you're talking to me, you're dead meat.  
  
Legolas: No, I'm not talking to you, you idiots!  
  
The Random Elves lower their bows at the fellowship.  
  
Legolas: Uh, just joking! I didn't mean that! Oops.  
  
Boromir: You bonehead, now look what you did!  
  
Random Elf 1: Are you talking to me?  
  
Random Elf 2: You better not be talking to me.  
  
Random Elf 3: If you're talking to me, you're dead meat.  
  
Aragorn: Boromir? Don't...Say...Anything...  
  
Legolas: (laughing nervously) You wouldn't shoot a fellow Elf, would you?  
  
Random Elf 1: It depends.  
  
Random Elf 2: You were quite rude.  
  
Random Elf 3: Can I shoot the dwarf?  
  
Random Elf 4: No.  
  
Random Elf 5: Can I shoot the kid?  
  
Random Elf 4: Which one?  
  
Random Elf 5: The blonde one.  
  
Random Elf 6: Are you discriminating against blondes again?  
  
Random Elf 4: Go ahead. I don't like the looks of him.  
  
Random Elf 5 shoots at Malfoy, but the arrow bounces off. Random Elf 7 arrives.  
  
Random Elf 7: Don't hurt them! Galadriel says they're the good people!  
  
Random Elves 1-6: Darn.  
  
Larien's part starts here.  
  
The fellowship has just arrived (after many complaints from Malfoy, and many plots against him) at Lothlorien. Frodo has just looked into Lady Galadriel's mirror.  
  
Frodo: I saw him! I saw the Dark Lord!  
  
Harry: (in amazement) You saw Voldemort?!?!  
  
Sam: No, doofus. "The Dark Lord" here is not the same as "The Dark Lord" there.  
  
Ron: Huh?  
  
Pippin: Sauron, duh!  
  
Merry: What is wrong with you people? You'd think that after this whole voyage that you'd know at least who we're trying to kill!  
  
Hermione opens her mouth to say something, but is interrupted by Malfoy.  
  
Malfoy: What's the matter, Mudblood, didn't look that up in a book?  
  
Legolas: Hey, we dropped that quite a while ago, if you don't stop, I might have to...  
  
Legolas slowly moves his hand up to his bow.  
  
Legolas: What have we learned?  
  
Malfoy: Shutting up.  
  
Legolas: Exactly.  
  
Ron and Harry start sniggering. The rest of the fellowship (except Malfoy) looks very amused. Malfoy begins to think of a way to taunt the other members.  
  
Malfoy: Well, I looked into the mirror, and guess what I saw? I saw a pretty boy elf having a secret affair with none other than Aragorn's ugly elf friend.  
  
Legolas and Aragorn both pull out their weapons. Aragorn looks menacingly at Malfoy.  
  
Legolas: (sarcastically) Well do you want to know what I saw, Malfoy? I saw a hard haired git lying on the ground, with several elf arrows in his side, and an elf with extremely accurate aim standing over his cold, dead body. Do you want to know what Galadriel told me? She said that it would come to pass if you didn't shut up.  
  
Malfoy's face turns crimson red and shuts up at Legolas's threat.  
  
Aragorn: (trying to stop Malfoy and Legolas from ripping each other apart) We'd best be moving, we don't want the spies of the Dark Lord-  
  
Pippin: (jokingly) Which one?  
  
Aragorn: (annoyed and trying to finish his speech) both, you know what I mean, we don't want them to find us.  
  
Boromir: I still say that we go to Gondor, the finest city of men!  
  
Ron: (slyly) The finest city of men? Let me ask you this, Boromir, does this city have plumbing? Air conditioning? Fancy restaurants?  
  
Boromir looks very confused.  
  
Ron: Then Gondor is obviously not the finest city of men.  
  
Boromir ignores him.  
  
Boromir: But we do have very pretty girls...  
  
Ron: Let's go to Gondor!  
  
Hermione snorts into her lembas bread, and says something that sounds very much like "boys...".  
  
Hermione: Legolas, you never answered me. Do you want to join S.P.E.W. or not?  
  
Legolas: Let's see...NO!!!  
  
Hermione looks desperate.  
  
Harry and Ron: (whispering) You do know that you could just join and she would shut up, Legolas.  
  
Legolas: I am not going to join some stupid organization for a bunch of stupid creatures who don't deserve the honor of being called an elf.  
  
Malfoy butts in.  
  
Malfoy: (in a drawling voice) Oh, and it's such an honor to be an elf, isn't it?  
  
Legolas reaches for his bow for about the millionth time, and, as usual, Malfoy shuts up.  
  
Aragorn: (obviously trying to get rid of Malfoy's taunting) Let's just go now.  
  
Malfoy ignores Aragorn, and starts taunting again, but the rest of the fellowship walk towards Aragorn.  
  
Legolas pulls out his bow.  
  
Legolas: (pointing at Malfoy) You. here. now.  
  
Malfoy walks over to Aragorn immediately, a fearful look in his eyes. Legolas puts away his bow.  
  
Legolas: I love controlling this guy! I can make him act like a ferret if I want too!  
  
Ron: (a hopeful look in his eye) Really? Can you...show us?  
  
Harry and Hermione immediately start cracking up.  
  
Aragorn: I really think we should be going now.  
  
Ron: Speaking of turning Malfoy into a ferret...  
  
Malfoy: (menacingly) Don't you dare.  
  
Ron just grins evilly and starts again.  
  
Ron: It all started in the 4th year of Hogwarts...  
  
The fellowship starts to walk out of Lothlorien. Everyone except for Malfoy are listening intently and trying to figure out ways to taunt him, using information from the story. So the fellowship left Lothlorien, with a glowering Malfoy trailing right behind them.  
  
Thanks to Larien for helping.  
  
Last chance, people! Who is going with Merry and Pippin, who is going with Sam and Frodo, and who's going with Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli? (If you want Legolas-Hermione romance, like some of you do, you should probably vote that way.) Which brings me to my next question: do you want romance?  
  
REVIEW! 


	6. Goodbye to Lothlorien

Sorry for the long delay, folks. Well now, this is the next chappie! Polls are closed! This is mine and Larien's work mixed together. Enjoy it, or else...  
  
Chapter 6: Goodbye to Lothlorien  
  
The fellowship is just about to leave Lorien when Galadriel appears.

Galadriel: Wait! I can't let you live-uh, leave without your gifts!

Ron (to Boromir): Did she just say she was gonna kill us if we didn't take her presents?

Boromir: It sounds that way.

Galadriel: Well, I've been playing with your little wand things and I want to try something out. I'm going to MAGIC your gifts to you!

Hermione hands Galadriel her wand. Galadriel waves it a couple times and gifts appear in everyone's hands. The fellowship's gifts are completely mixed up.

Draco: Cool!

Aragorn glares at Galadriel.

Harry stares at Draco's sword.

Aragorn: I don't think he'll be keeping that long.

Harry: (grinning evilly) I think you're right.

Hermione: WHY do I have HAIR?

Gimli: Uh, soil... thanks...

Everyone jumps as Draco screams and throws the sword. It sinks into a tree centimeters away from Boromir's head.

Boromir: AH! That kid has it in for me! (starts muttering under his breath) When I get the ring, I'll kill him...

Frodo: What did you say, Boromir?

Boromir: Oh, nothing...

Draco is screaming and looking at his hands like they've been burned.

Draco: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! IT'S A GRYFFINDOR SWORD!

Harry smirks.

Merry: Cool! I got a whoopee cushion!!!!!!!

Pippin: No, that was probably meant for me!!!

Pippin and Merry start wrestling for the whoopee cushion.

Boromir: For some odd reason, I got a hair net. Who in their right mind would wear one of those?

Legolas: (red in the face) I don't know but it wouldn't be me!

Aragorn: You are the worst liar I have ever met. Extra strength hair gel? I'm sorry, but he's the one with hair that serves as armor!

Sam: Yeah, why did I get a One Ring Official Carrying Case? I mean, it is kinda cool and I could probably sell it on Ebay for a good amount of...

Frodo: That's mine and don't you dare sell it! The ring is SO heavy! I got some horn cleaning oil, do you think that might be yours Boromir, I mean you are the only one with a horn here.

Boromir: Yeah, I bet it is. My horn has been quite dirty...

Malfoy: You're carrying around a horn. A stupid little horn. Why couldn't you carry around something cool and lethal like a sword? You're just nuts!

Boromir: We need to have something to drown you out.

Malfoy: You arrogant little-!

Boromir: And for your information, I DO have a sword. And I'm very good with it too.

Malfoy: That's bull--  
  
Aragorn: If you like your face the way it is, I think you'll shut up!

Galadriel: I think I did something wrong...

Galadriel waves the wand again. The gifts are set straight. Draco is still screaming, and finally faints.

Everyone: Sigh...

Gimli: Who wants to carry him?

Hobbits and Kids: I'm too small.

Legolas: I'm too perfect.

Aragorn: Boromir, carry him.

Boromir glares at Aragorn.

Boromir: No! I hate that kid! And he hates me more. If he wakes up while I'm carrying him, he'll probably stab me in the back!

Aragorn gives Boromir an I'm-your-future-king-and-I'm-ordering-you-to-carry- him look.

Boromir: What was that look for?

Aragorn: That was an I'm-your-future-king-and-I'm-ordering-you-to-carry-him look.

Boromir:(sarcastically) Well, in that case... Boromir picks up Draco, making sure to knock him around as roughly as possible.

Galadriel: Here, take these complementary elf-cloaks. Bye! Watch out for orcs!

The fellowship has finally actually started to leave Lothlorien.

Sam: What's that thing following us?

Frodo: Looks like a log with eyes.

Hermione: It's a bowtruckle.

All: Huh?

Hermione: Honestly, don't you read?

Legolas: I find it useless to read about stuff that doesn't exist here.

Sam: What is that?

Merry: I think it's a 600 year old hobbit in a loincloth!

Pippin: Don't be ridiculous Merry, Bilbo wouldn't ever follow us!

Frodo: (slaps Pippin hard) Hey, isn't that Gollum?

Hermione, Malfoy, Harry, and Ron: What?

Hermione: Isn't that the sound a cat makes when it coughs up a hairball?

Ron and Harry stare at her for a minute, but then it dawns on them.

Ron and Harry: oh.............

Malfoy: What do you know that I don't know?

Ron: Should we tell him?

Harry: Yeah, he won't be able to prove it against us.

Ron: Okay, remember second year, when Goyle and Crabbe didn't seem themselves?

Malfoy: What did you do?

Harry: Well, we knocked Crabbe and Goyle out, took their robes, drank a polyjuice potion, and took their appearance. Hermione was supposed to look like a Slytherin girl, but she accidentally grabbed cat hair and turned into a cat.

Malfoy: You're lying.

Ron: Want proof? The password was 'pureblood'.

In the distance, they hear shrill screaming.

Gollum: Nasty PRECIOUS! evil PRECIOUS! stupid PRECIOUS! fat PRECIOUS! hobbitses PRECIOUS!

Legolas: It's that thing that we captured in Mirkwood forest!

Legolas: (imitating Gollum) We PRECIOUS! are PRECIOUS! the PRECIOUS! stupidest PRECIOUS! ugliest PRECIOUS! freakiest PRECIOUS! thing PRECIOUS! on PRECIOUS! the PRECIOUS! earth PRECIOUS!

Gollum: Thinks its funny, they do PRECIOUS! They are the PRECIOUS! stupidest PRECIOUS! fattest PRECIOUS! things PRECIOUS! on PRECIOUS! earth PRECIOUS!

They ignore him and go on. Malfoy gets bored.

Malfoy pretends to be corrupted by the ring and faints.

Malfoy: You are a wuss Frodo.

A Nazgul flies overhead, and Malfoy really faints.

Frodo: Who are you calling a wuss? You're the one who fainted!

Ron: I don't think he can hear you.

Gimli: Wow, he's really out cold.

Harry points to a puddle on the ground, trying very hard not to laugh.

Harry: Look, it scared the pee out of him!

Hermione starts to pull out her wand, but the others stop her.

Harry: I think it's better if we leave him unconscious.

Boromir: I'll carry him.

Legolas: (in a sing-song voice) No more listening to Malfoy! No more listening to Malfoy!

Pippin pokes him and Malfoy wakes up.

All: GROAN!!!!!!!!

Malfoy: What did I miss?

Legolas punches Malfoy in the face. Malfoy becomes unconscious again.

Legolas: Now he'll be out for a good bit. We can go now.

All: YIPPEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sam pokes him with a dagger, accidentally drawing blood.

Sam: Oops.

A little while later at the falls...

Aragorn: Ok, tomorrow we move on, but should we go to Mount Doom or Gondor?

Boromir: GONDOR!

Everyone looks at him like he's crazy.

Aragorn: The ringbearer chooses, Boromir.

Frodo: I don't know... hmm... Maybe... Gondor?

Boromir: (jumping up) YES!

Everyone stares at him again.

Aragorn: Is that your final answer?

Frodo: Well, on second thought... no... but... I don't know...

Boromir: (whispering) Goooonnnnnddddooorrr.... Goooonnnnnddddooorrr....

Hermione: Is just me or is Gollum back?

Boromir: I heard that. You just don't want to Gondor! You just-

Legolas and Gimli hit him on the head and he faints.

Frodo: I'll go off into the woods all by myself and decide.

Boromir wakes up. Frodo walks off into woods. Boromir follows him when no one is looking. Harry puts on his invisibility cloak when no one is looking and follows Boromir.

Boromir: Now is the time. I strike now. They can't stop me! He can't escape! I will make Gondor awesome! I will finally kill that little weasel Malfoy!!! Mwahahaha!!!!

Harry: Ok, I'm fine with the Malfoy part, but other than that, I think somebody's been watching too much T.V. Enough to fry his brain!

Legolas: (sniffing air) I smell... (pauses for dramatic effect)

Malfoy: Yes, we know, trust us.

Hermione and Ron hit him very hard on the head and he faints.

Legolas: AS I was saying-- I smell... (pauses for dramatic effect) Orcs!

(Psycho theme plays)


End file.
